Official Guide to Indie Beards

You’ve seen it at shows. You’ve seen it on the music blogs. It’s certainly not a new phenomenon. In fact, it’s been here for a few years now, spreading its itchy love. So, after so many conversations with friends about it, it’s high time to break down and categorize the Indie Beard.

History

The exact origin is not clear, although it seems to have appeared circa 2002 as a reaction to pre-MTV emo and Indie sharing a lot of their fashion queues. Over the next few years the Lens Crafters Horn-rim drifted to smart wire-rims and dark t-shirts popped with color. The final line in the sand was the Indie Beard, because everyone knows an emo kid can’t grow facial hair. That’s why he’s so damn depressed.

Categories

1. The Long Weekend
   This is where it all starts. A 3-4 day weekend with no real reason to shave. It proves you “don’t care how you look”, but only proves you can get away with it on your days off from work. It does, however, suggest your girlfriend is cool and doesn’t mind. This can be considered a “gateway beard”, as it often leads to a more advanced category.
2. The Starter Beard
   You know the guy. He’s certainly aware of the Indie Beard, and wants it. Bad. But questions remain. Does he know he’ll never hit the big-leagues? Does he know it just looks like he got a haircut while sweaty? It’s best not to bring it up, and try not to let your focus drift to it while talking to him. He’ll have to learn the hard truth on his own.
3. Under Trimmed
   This is the typically the end-goal. It’s got everything you need to prove you are Indie. It means you have a cool job where you can get away with not shaving. It shows zero signs of trimming, so it’s clear you aren’t “trying for a beard, you just don’t think about your looks that much”. Goes with all of the common apparel: the faux western shit, the winter v-neck sweater (solid or striped), and the classic summer ironic t-shirt.An Under Trimmed may be hard to spot to an amateur. Look for the “neckbeard” – it’s always a dead giveaway.
4. Over Trimmed
   This appears to be a new breed of Indie Beard. Carefully manicured, this Indie has decided he likes the beard and he’s keeping it. It’s typically still kept full-bodied as to avoid an confusion with a mainstream beard. Mainstream beards sold out a long time ago to Clearchannel, although it’s earlier records are arguably listenable.I suspect this could also be a compromise for an Indie without an Indie job. It shows he’s aware of the facial hair, so its office approved. Unfortunately, he dies a little every time a middle aged coworker reminds him that the guy down the hall plays in an awful bar band every Wednesday night and they think that’s what he does too.
5. Buck Wild
   Occasionally, an Indie Beard will go unattended for far too long. Most Indies are all about showing off the growing process and will reset after a month, but sometimes a member (usually the drummer) will just let it go. This gives the appearance that you’ve been on tour for months and, if properly applied, can get huge points. It can, however, go horribly, horribly wrong. Be sure to keep the haircut short to avoid hippy comparisons, and only one Buck Wild per-band. Rarely seen without the faux western shirt.
6. The Ginger Baker (bonus points)
   This is an ultra-rare redhead version of the Buck Wild. It always looks like hell, and that’s the point. It says to the world, “I’m so Indie I want to look fugly as hell. Ask me if I care. No, please, ask me. I have a prepared response.”
7. No Mustache
   A.k.a. “Strip Upper Lip”, “the Inverted Mexican”, or “the Reluctant Amishman”, this poor son of a bitch just can’t grow the ‘stache, leaving an awkward Indie Beard. It can still work at certain lengths, but an intervention is needed well before Buck Wild sets in.

I’m sure I’m missed a category or two. Feel free to share your findings in the comments below.